Divorce

One of my biggest fears about marriage is divorce. Statistically speaking I am set up to go through a divorce in my future. This is through no fault of my own; it’s just statistically proven that children from divorced families, like me, are at higher risk for repeating the pattern by getting a divorce themselves in their future marriages. Just because I am at higher risk does not mean it is enviable. The more we understand divorce and why people get them the more we are able to prevent them.

Statistically showing after 2 years, 70% of people regret their decision of getting a divorce. This proves that people wish they would have not gotten a divorce a stuck it out. So why do people get a divorce in the first place? The answer is simple; most divorces are due to pure selfishness. There are situations in which divorce is necessary however.

Here is a 3 part test for those seeking to determine if ending a marriage is justified:

1. Prolonged Difficulties – Try to repair and reduce these problems

                                            - Go to counseling; try to get rid of the problem

                                             - Try everything possible to save the marriage

2. Apparently Irredeemable Relationship – Little hope to repair

3. Destruction of Human Dignity – Threatens to destroy dignity

                                                     Lose of worth

                                                     Insulting

                                                     Belittlement

Divorce isn't just something you do to escape a problem or issue. Marriage is a commitment and you have made covenants with God regarding your marriage and you can’t just end it whenever marriage gets hard.

For the most part most divorces can be prevented. We need to keep an eternal perspective and keep positive in our marriages. When things get hard we need to keep positive and work together as a couple

Parenting

Parenting is an essential part in God’s plan. We are commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. Having children and parenting is key in understanding our Heavenly Father and his eternal plan. When we are parents ourselves we get a small glimpse into what it is like to be a God. We are all spirit children of God, He is our father. When we become have children of our own we take on the role of mother and father and therefore develop a better understanding of our Father above.

Parenting is beneficial to all. Parenting affects ourselves, our children, and our society. When we parent we develop Christ like attributes such as patients, understanding, love, and gratitude. Our children are affected because as parents we show them love, provide their needs and teach them the gospel. Our society is affected because when we parent we teach our kids how to interact, how to be sociable and we also teach them values and morals. Parenting is key to success for ourselves, our children and our society. We need parenting not only for spiritual reasons but also because it provides so many positive effects temporally.

As we parent we must remember that we need to meet our children’s needs. The universal needs are:

        1.  Power

        2. Contact/Belonging

        3. Protection

        4. Challenge

        5. Withdrawal

As we seek to meet these needs for our children they will be less likely to act out and be obnoxious. For example parents need to give their children attention first before their children start to seek out for it. When kids do not feel like the contact/ belonging need it met that is when children will go to great lengths to seek out for it. We must always remember that we must provide our children with these needs. Some things we can do to help these needs be met are:

-Offer contact freely

-Teach contribution

-Give responsibility

-Provide choices and consequences

-Provide support

-Provide encouragement

-Show love

I know that if we do these things than we are better able to help our children’s needs be met and they will not act out in order to receive these things. 

Work and Home

The concept of work has changed drastically over time. Before the industrial age your home life and your work was one. Most families would work from the home. For example many would have their homes above their businesses or those living on farms would work on their land. This gave opportunities for families to work together. Mom, dad and all the children would be together all day working. Work back then was not separate from the family, work involved the family.

During the industrial age work and family drafted. Fathers were now leaving the home to work 60 plus hours a week. This caused work and family life to completely separate. The focus in life is now to gain money and the idea of spending time with your family has diminished. This idea that money should be placed before spending time with your family is straight from Satan himself. This is his way of trying to tear apart the family, which has been successful.

Now families are focused on getting more money so both parents are working. This causes great separation in the family. The father, mother, and children now all are living separate lives until they come together after work and school. When there is separation like that it is hard to be close with one another.

We need to start prioritizing our lives. Realizing that time spent with your family is worth more than having some extra “play” money. It is important that we spend time with our families so that we can become closer and so that our children can learn from us and not from their peers. 

Communication

Communication is a key part in relationships. When communication is off the relationship will almost always turn for the worse. If we do not communicate well with one another then we are not informed what the other one is feeling or thinking. We are not mind readers we need to have communication.

Communication is not just words, it’s a combination of words, tone (how we say things), and nonverbal cues. These nonverbal cues include body language, gestures, and facial expressions.

A large part of our communication is not the words we use:

Words: 14%

Tone: 35%

Nonverbal: 51%

This is because many people don’t trust words, they trust the tone it was said in and the nonverbal cues first. For example if someone said “I am sorry” to you in a very mellow and calm voice and then someone said “I am sorry” in a harsh fast pace tone, you are more likely to believe the one in the calmer tone even though the same exact words were being said.

This gets messed up during conversations over text message. Since we can only see the words we are sometime not sure how to take the context. Did they mean this sincerely, where they trying to be rude, are they joking? Much miscommunication comes from not being able to read those nonverbal cues and understand the tone.

In order to get our message across we need to be clear with what we say and how we mean it. 

“Communicate so that you can be understood and so clearly that you cannot be misunderstood.”

To make communication effective we must:

-be good listener

-give feedback

-make sure they understood your message

-do not assume

-watch your nonverbal cues

-say what you actually mean

-focus on one issue at a time

-be clear

Having effective communication creates and sustains successful relationships.  

Trials

Everyone goes through rough times. Trials are necessary for us to go through so that we can progress and be perfected in Christ. If we want to become like Christ we need to take on some difficult challenges. These rough times can either, refine us and help us grow or make us feel depressed and lose hope. It is up to each one of us how we will let these trials affect us.

Most of the things that make us depressed are actually lies. For Example:

 “I am alone”

“I will never get over this”

“This is too hard to handle”

“I will never find anyone else”

“No one will love me”

These are all lies we tell ourselves that lead us down a dark path of sadness and depression. We must recognize those lies and overcome them with truth. The easiest way we can do this is by letting the light of Christ enter into our lives. As we move towards Christ our path will be lightened and we will be able to see hope that we can overcome these trials. It is not an easy process in fact it is not meant to be. We must have faith to move forward in Christ and he will guide us through the rough patches of our journey in this life. Christ’s light will always overcome darkness, but we must first try to seek for it.

Each one of us goes through individual trials however we also go through trials as families. For example: the loss of a loved one, when a loved one strays, sickness, financial problems and so much more. It is important as a family to try to cope with these trials and move forward in faith, realizing the eternal aspect that everything will be just fine. That is so much easier said than do however as mentioned earlier it begins with one step. The good thing about a family is that you can go through these trials with them, you can progress together and you can rely on one another for comfort and support.

Trials are necessary, “If they never should have bitter they could not know the sweet” (D&C 29:39). I know personally that through each trial that has been presented in my life I have learned and grown so much. I would not be the person I am today if I hadn’t tasted the bitter and realized how amazing the sweet truly is. Trials can help us in our lives so long as we look toward the light of Christ and let it guide us. 

Sexual Intimacy

Sexual Intimacy is to be shared between a man and a women who are married. Sexual intimacy comes with a lot of emotions and it is best to be married and committed to that one person that we share that intimacy with.

Men and women are very different when it comes to sexual intimacy. Men are more likely to be aroused quicker and women take a bit longer to become aroused. A quote that was used was “Men are like microwaves and women are like crock pots” This is so true! Men can be aroused by the smallest thing and want to be intimate however women take a while to reach that point. This brings me to my next discovery. Men want to be sexually active to feel close, safe, and connected to a person however women want to first feel close, safe, and connected before they are sexually active. This can be really frustrating in a relationship however once you get that cycle rolling each partner is receiving what they want and need to feel good in their relationship.

There are many blessings that come from the differences men and women have when it comes to sexual intimacy. Some of these include:

-  All needs can eventually be met

-        -   Helps us understand each other

-        -   We learn to be selfless and put the needs of the other person before our own

-        -   We learn to communicate better (if we can communicate in the awkward intimate setting of the bedroom we sure can communicate about other things)

-          - We learn to develop self-control

-          - Trust can be built

If we want to experience sexual intimacy that will be satisfy both partners the most important thing to remember is that we must thing of the other person while being intimate. This will almost always guarantee that both partners will be satisfied. 

Happily Ever After

Let’s fall in love and live happily ever after!

This statement has been engraved into our minds since we were all little children. All we have to do to live in happiness is to fall in love and marry that person, however what they don’t tell us is how complicated falling in love and being married actually is.

We must first start with the question, what is love, and how do we know we are in love? These are such loaded questions! But isn’t it easy to tell? We have been told that you know you are in love when you feel a spark when you kiss, when you look at them and feel butterflies and of course the typical response of “you can feel it in your heart”. Is this love or just emotions playing with head? Personally I do not believe that you will always “feel” it. We get caught up in trying to “feel” something when we are with someone that we miss what love truly means. So let’s go back to the first question “what is love?” I believe love is a “commitment to the growth and spiritual well-being of one another.” There is no better way to determine what love is than to say that it is caring enough about someone that you put their needs and desires before your own.

I don’t believe that we need to look for our soul mates, because I don’t believe that just one person in this life is perfect for us. This may sound depressing however just because there are no such things as soul mates doesn’t mean there are not people that are better for us. Once you find that person that you care enough about to put them before yourself and they feel the same way you take the next step by getting married. Once you make that step and get married you become than become each other’s soul mates. However once you are married it doesn’t mean you will automatically live “happily ever after”. Marriage takes a lot of hard work but the great thing about is, that it is completely worth it!

Here are some things we need to do to insure marital success:

- Have ongoing courtship (go on dates)
-  Be closer to your spouse than you are to your children
-  Putting God before your spouse and your own desires
- Communication Communication! Communication!
- Recognize the good not the bad in your 
- Make your spouse feel appreciate and needed
- Put your spouse’s needs before your own
- Eliminate the word “I” in decisions
- Dance! (have fun)

Dating

"Would you like to go on a date with me?"

This is one sentence girls do not hear very often. Dating is a thing of the past. Over the years more and more people have dropped this concept of dating and are now just “hanging out”. Why is this? I think one of the main reasons our society has dropped dating is that people put too much expectation on the meaning of a date. Guys are too afraid to ask a girl on a date because they assume the girl will think he is madly in love with her and wants to marry her. What ever happened to going on dates to get to know someone? Dating yes is a key part in marriage preparation however a date does not mean it will lead to marriage. A date should be a time where two people can come to know each other. So what’s so bad about “hanging out” if you want to get to know someone? Well, to me it’s not entirely bad however it is best to go on a date to personally get to know someone. A date is paired off, paid for, and planned. This is key in helping people prepare for their future. A date doesn’t mean they guy wants to marry you, it means he is interested in getting to know you.

Our society has a messed up way of looking at relationships. We go into relationships thinking it will not last and will end horribly. Society has a mentality of “Date them till you hate them.” Now I would be lying if I said this never happened to me, it surely has. However why do we have to hate the person we were with cant we just part peacefully and realize it just wasn’t the person for us?  Dating should be a wonderful experience of learning how to interact with the opposite sex, learning what we want and don’t want in a relationship and preparing us for the future. We should go into dating thinking will can grow and learn instead of thinking man this is going to end terribly. 

Gender Roles

“We badly need to raise our sons more like our daughter” –G. Steinham

This quote just sat up on the white board taunting me. My first thought, why would anyone agree with that? Then it hit me, not everyone recognizes the roles men and women are designed to have. I have heard so many feminist state that we all need to be equal and demolish these roles society gives us. Now I believe men and women need to be equal however I believe they need to be equal in a sense of opportunity not necessarily in the sense that men and women should be the exact same. Society didn’t create these roles, society has affected them yes and greatly implements them however society did not create them. Men and women are born with different traits and with these traits we are better at taking on certain responsibilities. Now this doesn’t mean that men and women cannot share traits or share responsibilities it just means that biologically we are more inclined to do different things.

 Our differences are actually a wonderful thing! Our two personalities once they come together create something so special. Men would be nothing without women and women would be nothing without men. “Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” (Corinthians 11: 9) We need each other, we complete each other. This is because men have things women do not and women have things men do not. It is so perfect how God created us to need each other. This is the key to our eternal salvation and our progression. 

Social Class

        Can your social class influence your family experience? It sure can! We are constantly being influence by our class. Once we are born into a social class for example lower class, it is very tough to move your way up. I was raised in lower class. I had a single mother who worked long hard hours to provide for us.  I was raised to value different things than those in middle or upper class and these values sure influenced my family. Money was always a sore subject in my home; it caused a lot of stress and a lot of fights. My family learned how to deal with living in an apartment on “the wrong side of town” and we learned that we wouldn't have the best of things but we would have everything we needed. I know that our class changed the way our family functioned. My mom had to work so we didn’t get to see her very often and experience the nurturing mother figure because she had to take on the role of both mother and father and work all day. Because she had to work my sister had to step up and take care of me while my mom was gone. I know this played a huge role in my family structure because my sister wasn’t able to enjoy her childhood while my mother wasn’t able to enjoy motherhood. However being in “lower class” isn’t all horrible. We learned many things from struggling that helped us get closer as a family. We learned how to deal with trials and how to help one another fight through them. I think that whatever social class you are in there are negative and positive effects it can have on your family experience, however it is up to the individual how they are going to take it. 

Family Structure

This week we learned about different family theories. One theory in particular we learned a lot on. This was Family systems theory. Family systems theory states that all members of a family have a part to make the family as a whole. Along with this we learned that each family structure is completely different however the ideal structure, the structure that works the best, according to research and according to my religious beliefs, is to have mom and dad be close together with clear boundaries  above the children and to have the children nearby with clear boundaries as well. This structure is the best because when mom and dad are close together things within the family just go a lot smoother and their relationship is stronger. It is important to have mom and dad above the children because children don’t need “friends” or to have to watch over their own parents, they need clear authoritative figures in their lives. It is also important to have clear boundaries because therefore their parents aren’t too involved in their children’s lives like being their “friends” and they shouldn’t be so cut off from them that they hardly talk.

My family structure is very different then the ideal one. However sometimes that’s just what we are handed and we need to make the best of it. We have tried to set better boundaries and have better leveled out relationships however because of homeostasis we all revert to our old roles. I really feel like my family needs to reestablish our roles and stick to them. Hopefully I will learn more to help my family get to this place.

Questions:

 Is it always best to strive for the “ideal” structure? I know in my family I get asked this a lot, “Why are you trying to change us? We are just fine the way we are.”

It’s not that I am trying to change them per say I just want what is best for my family. Should I want to change the structure of my family because that’s the best and easiest way for families to strive and be successful or should I just accept my role and my family structure and continue on struggling but managing?

Does Size Matter? ;)

This week I watched a movie titled Demographic Winter:

I realized size does matter! .... it matters when it comes to family sizes ;)

Ther movie talked about how fertility rates are decreasing and if it continues this way in the near future we will start to see a drastic decline in population.  I too was one of the many people that believed that human population would just always continue to grow and we would eventually run out of resources, food, and shelter. In fact increased population is a good thing. The more people we have on this earth the more people are working, creating, and providing benefits for the rest of the world. We would never starve because there were “too many people” instead we would flourish because so many more people would be farming and harvesting food. However this is not the case as more and more people are having less and less kids the population is actually declining which means the economy suffers, cultures and ethnicities disappear, and there are less people working to provide for others. 

I was shocked to hear to the author of The Population Bomb compared having 5 children to robbing a bank. His argument was that the more children you have the more money and resources you are taking away from others. This statement was appalling to me. Children are a wonderful blessing, a gift from God! Children bring joy and happiness into this world and they will eventually grow up and become doctors, professors, presidents, or other important people. Having a child will eventually bless someone somewhere else. I just think about the people I have met in my life time. Some people don’t even realize it but they have made my life easier and brighter just because they were around.

Before I watched this video I thought when I am married I want 3-4 kids now knowing how much family sizes and fertility rates actually matter I want 5 kids! Why not? If I am perfectly capable of raising children I might as well help my Heavenly Father bring more children into this world to bless it.

Bigger is Better... in the case of Families!

My Family

My name is Erin I am from Southern California. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am the only active member in my family. My parents divorced when I was only 6 months old. But don't feel sorry for me because in the case of my parents divorce was indeed the best thing that could have ever happened to my family. My mother is one of the strongest women I know. 

I have one sister who is 7 years older. We are nothing alike and as many times as we hate each other I love her so much! She is the only one that truly understands what I have been through because she was there experiencing the same things. 

I have a very different family structure compared to many Latter Day Saints. It may have been difficult growing up however now I am trying to make sure that my future family does not have to face some of the problems I did. I believe family is the foundation to having a successful life.