Divorce

One of my biggest fears about marriage is divorce. Statistically speaking I am set up to go through a divorce in my future. This is through no fault of my own; it’s just statistically proven that children from divorced families, like me, are at higher risk for repeating the pattern by getting a divorce themselves in their future marriages. Just because I am at higher risk does not mean it is enviable. The more we understand divorce and why people get them the more we are able to prevent them.

Statistically showing after 2 years, 70% of people regret their decision of getting a divorce. This proves that people wish they would have not gotten a divorce a stuck it out. So why do people get a divorce in the first place? The answer is simple; most divorces are due to pure selfishness. There are situations in which divorce is necessary however.

Here is a 3 part test for those seeking to determine if ending a marriage is justified:

1. Prolonged Difficulties – Try to repair and reduce these problems

                                            - Go to counseling; try to get rid of the problem

                                             - Try everything possible to save the marriage

2. Apparently Irredeemable Relationship – Little hope to repair

3. Destruction of Human Dignity – Threatens to destroy dignity

                                                     Lose of worth

                                                     Insulting

                                                     Belittlement

Divorce isn't just something you do to escape a problem or issue. Marriage is a commitment and you have made covenants with God regarding your marriage and you can’t just end it whenever marriage gets hard.

For the most part most divorces can be prevented. We need to keep an eternal perspective and keep positive in our marriages. When things get hard we need to keep positive and work together as a couple

Parenting

Parenting is an essential part in God’s plan. We are commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. Having children and parenting is key in understanding our Heavenly Father and his eternal plan. When we are parents ourselves we get a small glimpse into what it is like to be a God. We are all spirit children of God, He is our father. When we become have children of our own we take on the role of mother and father and therefore develop a better understanding of our Father above.

Parenting is beneficial to all. Parenting affects ourselves, our children, and our society. When we parent we develop Christ like attributes such as patients, understanding, love, and gratitude. Our children are affected because as parents we show them love, provide their needs and teach them the gospel. Our society is affected because when we parent we teach our kids how to interact, how to be sociable and we also teach them values and morals. Parenting is key to success for ourselves, our children and our society. We need parenting not only for spiritual reasons but also because it provides so many positive effects temporally.

As we parent we must remember that we need to meet our children’s needs. The universal needs are:

        1.  Power

        2. Contact/Belonging

        3. Protection

        4. Challenge

        5. Withdrawal

As we seek to meet these needs for our children they will be less likely to act out and be obnoxious. For example parents need to give their children attention first before their children start to seek out for it. When kids do not feel like the contact/ belonging need it met that is when children will go to great lengths to seek out for it. We must always remember that we must provide our children with these needs. Some things we can do to help these needs be met are:

-Offer contact freely

-Teach contribution

-Give responsibility

-Provide choices and consequences

-Provide support

-Provide encouragement

-Show love

I know that if we do these things than we are better able to help our children’s needs be met and they will not act out in order to receive these things. 

Work and Home

The concept of work has changed drastically over time. Before the industrial age your home life and your work was one. Most families would work from the home. For example many would have their homes above their businesses or those living on farms would work on their land. This gave opportunities for families to work together. Mom, dad and all the children would be together all day working. Work back then was not separate from the family, work involved the family.

During the industrial age work and family drafted. Fathers were now leaving the home to work 60 plus hours a week. This caused work and family life to completely separate. The focus in life is now to gain money and the idea of spending time with your family has diminished. This idea that money should be placed before spending time with your family is straight from Satan himself. This is his way of trying to tear apart the family, which has been successful.

Now families are focused on getting more money so both parents are working. This causes great separation in the family. The father, mother, and children now all are living separate lives until they come together after work and school. When there is separation like that it is hard to be close with one another.

We need to start prioritizing our lives. Realizing that time spent with your family is worth more than having some extra “play” money. It is important that we spend time with our families so that we can become closer and so that our children can learn from us and not from their peers. 

Communication

Communication is a key part in relationships. When communication is off the relationship will almost always turn for the worse. If we do not communicate well with one another then we are not informed what the other one is feeling or thinking. We are not mind readers we need to have communication.

Communication is not just words, it’s a combination of words, tone (how we say things), and nonverbal cues. These nonverbal cues include body language, gestures, and facial expressions.

A large part of our communication is not the words we use:

Words: 14%

Tone: 35%

Nonverbal: 51%

This is because many people don’t trust words, they trust the tone it was said in and the nonverbal cues first. For example if someone said “I am sorry” to you in a very mellow and calm voice and then someone said “I am sorry” in a harsh fast pace tone, you are more likely to believe the one in the calmer tone even though the same exact words were being said.

This gets messed up during conversations over text message. Since we can only see the words we are sometime not sure how to take the context. Did they mean this sincerely, where they trying to be rude, are they joking? Much miscommunication comes from not being able to read those nonverbal cues and understand the tone.

In order to get our message across we need to be clear with what we say and how we mean it. 

“Communicate so that you can be understood and so clearly that you cannot be misunderstood.”

To make communication effective we must:

-be good listener

-give feedback

-make sure they understood your message

-do not assume

-watch your nonverbal cues

-say what you actually mean

-focus on one issue at a time

-be clear

Having effective communication creates and sustains successful relationships.  

Trials

Everyone goes through rough times. Trials are necessary for us to go through so that we can progress and be perfected in Christ. If we want to become like Christ we need to take on some difficult challenges. These rough times can either, refine us and help us grow or make us feel depressed and lose hope. It is up to each one of us how we will let these trials affect us.

Most of the things that make us depressed are actually lies. For Example:

 “I am alone”

“I will never get over this”

“This is too hard to handle”

“I will never find anyone else”

“No one will love me”

These are all lies we tell ourselves that lead us down a dark path of sadness and depression. We must recognize those lies and overcome them with truth. The easiest way we can do this is by letting the light of Christ enter into our lives. As we move towards Christ our path will be lightened and we will be able to see hope that we can overcome these trials. It is not an easy process in fact it is not meant to be. We must have faith to move forward in Christ and he will guide us through the rough patches of our journey in this life. Christ’s light will always overcome darkness, but we must first try to seek for it.

Each one of us goes through individual trials however we also go through trials as families. For example: the loss of a loved one, when a loved one strays, sickness, financial problems and so much more. It is important as a family to try to cope with these trials and move forward in faith, realizing the eternal aspect that everything will be just fine. That is so much easier said than do however as mentioned earlier it begins with one step. The good thing about a family is that you can go through these trials with them, you can progress together and you can rely on one another for comfort and support.

Trials are necessary, “If they never should have bitter they could not know the sweet” (D&C 29:39). I know personally that through each trial that has been presented in my life I have learned and grown so much. I would not be the person I am today if I hadn’t tasted the bitter and realized how amazing the sweet truly is. Trials can help us in our lives so long as we look toward the light of Christ and let it guide us. 

Sexual Intimacy

Sexual Intimacy is to be shared between a man and a women who are married. Sexual intimacy comes with a lot of emotions and it is best to be married and committed to that one person that we share that intimacy with.

Men and women are very different when it comes to sexual intimacy. Men are more likely to be aroused quicker and women take a bit longer to become aroused. A quote that was used was “Men are like microwaves and women are like crock pots” This is so true! Men can be aroused by the smallest thing and want to be intimate however women take a while to reach that point. This brings me to my next discovery. Men want to be sexually active to feel close, safe, and connected to a person however women want to first feel close, safe, and connected before they are sexually active. This can be really frustrating in a relationship however once you get that cycle rolling each partner is receiving what they want and need to feel good in their relationship.

There are many blessings that come from the differences men and women have when it comes to sexual intimacy. Some of these include:

-  All needs can eventually be met

-        -   Helps us understand each other

-        -   We learn to be selfless and put the needs of the other person before our own

-        -   We learn to communicate better (if we can communicate in the awkward intimate setting of the bedroom we sure can communicate about other things)

-          - We learn to develop self-control

-          - Trust can be built

If we want to experience sexual intimacy that will be satisfy both partners the most important thing to remember is that we must thing of the other person while being intimate. This will almost always guarantee that both partners will be satisfied. 

Happily Ever After

Let’s fall in love and live happily ever after!

This statement has been engraved into our minds since we were all little children. All we have to do to live in happiness is to fall in love and marry that person, however what they don’t tell us is how complicated falling in love and being married actually is.

We must first start with the question, what is love, and how do we know we are in love? These are such loaded questions! But isn’t it easy to tell? We have been told that you know you are in love when you feel a spark when you kiss, when you look at them and feel butterflies and of course the typical response of “you can feel it in your heart”. Is this love or just emotions playing with head? Personally I do not believe that you will always “feel” it. We get caught up in trying to “feel” something when we are with someone that we miss what love truly means. So let’s go back to the first question “what is love?” I believe love is a “commitment to the growth and spiritual well-being of one another.” There is no better way to determine what love is than to say that it is caring enough about someone that you put their needs and desires before your own.

I don’t believe that we need to look for our soul mates, because I don’t believe that just one person in this life is perfect for us. This may sound depressing however just because there are no such things as soul mates doesn’t mean there are not people that are better for us. Once you find that person that you care enough about to put them before yourself and they feel the same way you take the next step by getting married. Once you make that step and get married you become than become each other’s soul mates. However once you are married it doesn’t mean you will automatically live “happily ever after”. Marriage takes a lot of hard work but the great thing about is, that it is completely worth it!

Here are some things we need to do to insure marital success:

- Have ongoing courtship (go on dates)
-  Be closer to your spouse than you are to your children
-  Putting God before your spouse and your own desires
- Communication Communication! Communication!
- Recognize the good not the bad in your 
- Make your spouse feel appreciate and needed
- Put your spouse’s needs before your own
- Eliminate the word “I” in decisions
- Dance! (have fun)